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10 Blondes 1 Brunette
Problem: There is 10 blondes and 1 brunette that were hanging onto a rope that was tied ta an airplane. They know that one of them will have to let go because the weight of them would tear the rope and they would all die, so they argue back and forth for a few minutes till finally the brunette says she will let go.
But first she explained why she was doing it and said good-bye to all the blondes, in an emoitional type of way.
All the blondes were so touched that they started clapping.
Problem solved.
100 Steps
There wuz a blonde a burnette and a red head..they were standin at the end of some steps and God says to them "ok girls, theres 100 steps infront of you and each one has a joke on it..if u can make it all the way up to me without laughing u can come to heaven..if not im sendin u to hell"
..well the red head goes up and gets to the 30th step and laughs
..god sends her to hell
..the burnette gets half way up and she laughs
..god sends her to hell
..the blonde goes up and makes it all the way to the top of the steps and is standin in front of god and she starts laughing
..god says "u made it all the way up here without laughing at any of the jokes..why do u laugh now" and the blonde says "I just got the first joke"!!!
Blonde and the lawyer
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
Both are empty from the neck up.
A blonde and brunette sit watching the 5 'o' clock news where a man is threatning to jump off a bridge.
the blonde says to the brunette i bet you £100 that he doesn't jump the brunette replies ' ok i bet you £100 that he does jump.
Sure enough the man jumped off of the bridge and killed himself.
the blonde gets out £100 and gives it to the brunette.
The brunette says 'i can't take your money.'
'Why not replies the blonde?'
'Because i watched the 12 '0' clock news and he was on then so i knew that he was going to jump.'
The blonde replied 'i watched the 12 'o' clock news as well but i didn't think that he would jump again.'
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes
she'd hear at the office. So one evening she went home and
memorized all of the state capitals. Back in the office the next day,
some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes.
I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and
did something probably none of you could do.
I memorized all the state capitals.
One of the guys said, "I don't believe you."
She said, "It's true. Just test me!"
"Okay. What is the capital of Alaska?" he asked.
"A," she answered, smugly
On a plane bound for New York a flight attendant approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that
she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New
York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked
the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman,
asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again,
the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New
York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how
to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said
to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said,
"I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
A blonde and a brunette were talking, and the blonde was
very stressed. The brunette asked her what was the matter.
The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to
sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 100,000
miles on it.
The brunette said to her, "I know a way that will help you
sell it. I have a friend who can help you, but it’s illegal."
The blonde said, " I'll do anything." So the brunette gave the
blonde the phone number of a guy who could turn back the odometer
on her car. A week later the blonde and the brunette crossed
paths, and the brunette asked the blonde if she had sold her car
yet.
The blonde said, "Why would I sell a car with only 50,000 miles on it?!
Group Picture
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, Theres Jennifer, shes a lawyer, or Thats Michael, Hes a doctor.
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And theres the teacher, Shes dead."
The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "
But Dad, it was not my fault.
We were all in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.
I reached over and pulled it out.
That`s when she hit me!" "Johnny,"
the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."
The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault.
There we were in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.
Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.
Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"
Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
Teacher: Where is the Mt.Everest
Student: I don't know
Teacher: Then stand up on the bench!
Student;(after standing up on the bench) I still can't see it !
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
Why student fails in exam???????
Its not the fault of the student if he/she fails, Because the year has an ONLY 365 days. Typical academic year for a student.
1. Sundays- 52,Sundays in a year, which are rest days. Balance 313 days.
2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Balance 263 days.
4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health) means 15 days. Balance 126 days.
5. Two hours daily for food & other delicacies (chew properly & eat)-means 30 days. Balance 96 days.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days . Balance 81 days.
7. Exam days per year at least 35 days. Balance 46 days.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival holidays)-40 days. Balance 6 days.
9. For sickness at least 3 days. Balance 3 days.
10. Movies and functions at least 2 days. Balance 1 day.
11. That 1 day is your birthday.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reliterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A teacher was retiring after 30 years of teaching, so each child
decided they wanted to bring her a special retirement present. A
little girl who was the daughter of a fine chocolate dealer brought
her a box full of fine chocolates.
A little boy who was the son of a florist brought her a big bouquet
of flowers. Another little boy who was the son of a fine liquor dealer
brought her a big box that was sealed, and it had something leaking
from the bottom of the box. The teacher said, "I bet I know what this is!"
She tasted some of the juices that were leaking from the box and said,
"I bet this is some wine!"
The little boy said, "Nope!"
She tasted it again and said "Liquor?"
The little boy said, "Nope!"
She tasted it again and said, "Beer?"
The little boy said, "Nope!"
She said, "Well what is it?"
The little boy said, "A puppy!"
THE JUDGE SHOWS HIS CLASS
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the Judge to answer for a ticket given to her for driving through a red light.
She explained to his honour that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of
her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the Judge's eyes. "You're a school teacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall
realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a school teacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will
not drive through red lights' 500 times!"
David received a parrot for his birthday.
The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, very rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said:
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour.
I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Teacher: "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
A little girl raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies.
"So what about my mother?" asked the girl. The teacher said that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be having babies as well.
"Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to know.
"Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young."
"See!" said a voice from the back of the classroom, "I told YOU you didn't have anything to worry about."
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face. With both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
An attractive young woman was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!" "I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. "You're the first one," she gulped. "The first one to make love to you?" he asked. "No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me!"
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him
up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks."I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?""No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him
up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks."I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?""No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
